Or at least it could have I think – that is before I lost it in the “transition” a little over a week ago.
You see up until about six days, three hours and forty-two minutes ago I was a self-proclaimed blackberry addict. I mean who isn’t? Yes, I suffered through the dirty looks, the arguments, the injuries and, as of late, the withdrawal but through it all I was a devout “blackberrier”. In my prime I could text with the best of them; could easily pull off the “look and type” – maintaining eye contact with customers while making dinner plans under the desk. Yes, I could even look up phone numbers while driving…oh, I mean while parked on the side of the road. Yeah, I would always pull off to look for those numbers. Totally.
Unfortunately all good things must come to an end and so upon my resignation from IBM I was forced to turn over my beloved blackberry. Kinda in the same way that one might rip a helpless puppy from the hands of its owner and cart it off to some cold, dark shelter. But oh well, I’m not bitter – nope, totally not bitter. (Twitch, pace, grit teeth) I heart IBM.
So fast forward a couple days and there I am at the AT&T store picking up my new 16GB (white to match my dog) iPhone. I was immediately overwhelmed by this feeling of phone inadequacy. Everything I touched on the iPhone just didn’t feel right, I missed the track ball that stopped working when it rained and the two-day delay in receiving data. I missed that screaming do-do-do! sound when my phone cut out. I missed the brick game. This new iPhone was trying to fill the void left by my blackberry and it just wasn’t cuttin’ it. Anything that Mr. Engineer Boyfriend, or the sixteen gazillion other people that asked to play with it, showed me I just frowned, looked away and whispered, if only to myself, “My Blackberry could do that.” Sigh. I think I should talk to someone about this. Take more vitamin E or something.
All things considered there was one thing that I didn’t account for. One comment from an old friend (yes, friend, you know who you are!) who came out of left field to throw some more salt on the wound. To let me know that there is one issue that usurps all the others I was experiencing in the transition to the iPhone. A stigma that is attached to each and every iPhone owner, one that I, (in the same way that I believed no one ever boozed it up in High School) had no idea about. Something he referred to as (his words, not mine) “iphone douchebaggery”.
Although I do sense a bit of “iPhone envy”, I will share his ideas here because he, the unnamed, is too Web 1.0 (chicken 🙂 ) to create his own blog and everyone, even this guy, is entitled to his opinion.
* Note, I have done some minor editing to remove the 42 instances of the “f” word.
why the iphone is not cool – it’s too big to fit in your pocket, and as such it is necessary to carry it around in your hand, then when you sit down you have to place it infront of you on the table for everyone else to see that you have an iPhone (you’ll find yourself doing this – a lot) just so you can let everyone know that you can check the temperature in Lusambo in the Democratic Republic of Congo, if you really wanted to. The placing of ‘large’ electronic items infront of you is unfortunately a key indicator of what I like to call ‘douchebaggery’… it’s up there with people who pretend to be freelance something or others in coffee shops (or other eating establishments that tolerate people bumming their wifi for hours) who sit way too close to the line and make it freaking obvious that they are being creative by sighing and looking at the Word doc on their Mac… Apple products have become too ubiquitous and far too closely associated with douchebags to be cool. I will not be buying an iPhone… blackberry’s cooler… especially when accompanied by “oh flipping heck” when an email comes through… indicating I’m carrying this because I have to, works paying for the thing and I’m not going to buy my own phone too.
This iPhone has become like a really pretty white shiny thorn that does all kinds of cool stuff including, but not limited to, taking pictures, playing music, twittering, giving me that weather in Lesotho, in my side. Whatever, it isn’t the worst.
Filed under: Light Pink | Tagged: blackberry, iPhone |
The Pink Pamphlet 
You are correct – it is not the worse… yesterday I discovered a new highest peak in the mountain range of douchebaggery – the iTouch. You can look like a total douchebag, but a douche incommunicado. Said iDouche was owned by someone who also informed me that facebook was changing it’s interface to compete with twitter… it was just too much for us web 1.0ers – but when the Amish take over (and they will) I’ll be just fine!
So after an afternoon of pondering Angela’s experience of having a new iPhone it has led me to stumble upon and propose ‘The Theory of Douche Gravity”… the theory goes something like this, the greater the douche mass an object/place/person has, the higher propensity it has to attract douchebags.
The case in point is the iPhone vs the Blackberry, an honest question – how many people – and by people I mean potential douchebags – come up and ask to see/use/paw over/fondle a blackberry? (the blackberry which I had mentioned has the potential to be cool, because of it’s lack of association with douchebags) – I’m going to say not many. Now the iPhone – apparently this attracts “sixteen gazillion” – now that is a large number. I had also mentioned in passing that iPhones are associated with douchebags – and the obvious conclusion to draw from this is that the iPhone must have a tremendous douche mass. Now I can only assume that Angela made an honest mistake when purchasing something with such a high douche mass – how does that happen? Labeling – to avoid this I propose that products should come with clear labeling as to their douche mass, maybe the FDA needs to handle this. Tragic incidents of non-douchbags buying a product with a high douche mass ARE avoidable.
(For full disclosure – I do not own or have stock in either of the companies associated with the products and use a beat up Motorola phone – which is blue)
friend, dude, get your own goddamn blog. And when a blackberry can sync with my iTunes, I’ll start reading it.
signed,
– proud douchebag
Aha, you’re alive!
I agree. Blackberries rule. iPhones… ugh. Apple makes things appear sexy, easy, simple, etc. The iPhone is just too “user-friendly” for me. It’s the 80/20 rule, ya know. I’m always part of the 20% who is always left out. You can’t touch type with an iPhone. And yes – I BB while driving too 🙂 With an iPhone, you just have to move your hand and fingers too much (reminds me of using a mouse!).
http://www.informationweek.com/news/personal_tech/blackberry/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=209600593
The Little Blackberry that Could just frowned, looked away and whispered, if only to itself, “I could do that.” 🙂
I did not know you resigned at IBM. I’m bummed.
[…] *Note, this has worked for quite sometime, just ask the “iPhone hating guy” from the Blackberry post back in ‘08 – he’ll tell you about the tree trunk episode way back […]